Fifty Shades of Dundee

Hoochie wiz crashed oot when eh got in, so eh decided tae speak tae him in the mornin. Eh wiz woken up at 5 in the bloody mornin wi the sound o Ronan-Bieber screamin his head off about somethin, turned oot Mitzi-Evo hid punched oot his wobbly tooth after being woken up when he went for a piss, and now the tooth was missin. Naebdy wiz gettin back tae sleep so I sat them all doon in front of reruns of doctor who and telt them that it wiz a documentary and if they didnae shut up the daleks came for them, this gave iz enough peace and quiet tae make breakfast. 

I took them through their plates of Hoochies left over chips donner and cheese fae the night before, washed doon wi tizer. This meant eh wiz able tae go talk tae Hoochie aboot this buried stash. Eh says it wiz the only way we wid be able tae get that new TV and that, cos eh woke up tae find oot eh wiz on the rag again which meant eh didnae seem tae be gettin up the duff for that extra bairn for mare benefits ken, and the provvy man wiz oan our case so we hid tae find money somehow. Hoochie hid spent a bit o time in the jail for dealin in the past so he kent his stuff and learned a bit mare in the jail so wiz clued up ken. 

He eventually agreed tae it, and says he wid go dig the stash up that night once the bairns wiz in bed. Eh wiz tingly wi excitement and adrenaline ken, finally tae have money! Eh wiz gonna be able tae get ma roots done and mibbe even a new vajazzle ken! Eh looked at Hoochie, and says tae him tae take iz there and then coz he wiz ma new hero, well the bairns wiz still eatin their food and shittin themselves at the daleks so he says aye, weve got ten minutes hen, get yer jammies aff!

We ran into the bathroom cos it locked, and he sat on the cludgy, eh took aff ma jammies and sat oan him pure sexy and ahin, just as eh started bounin aff him eh got ma foot stuck in that shitey water at the bottom o ma toilet brush holder, but eh wisnae stoppin now cos eh could only do that for fehv minutes afore ma thighs got sare ken, and Hoochie wid be done in a few anyway so I shook it aff and kept goin, eh wiz pure sweatin and Hoochie wiz hingin oan tae iz for dear life, thats why he likes ma muffin top ken cos it giz him somethin tae grip on tae after the accident wi the toilet roll holder last time. 

He pulled that face and eh kent he wiz finished, eh kent that face well, it wiz like Simon Cowel listenin tae a tone deaf munter, while tastin mouldy custard ken. Eh says tae Hoochie tae go check the bairns while I finished maself off wi the loofah, well he hid only been oot the bathroom a few minutes and he wiz shoutin oan me for somethin, eh wisnae happy cos eh wiz almost done ken, and I shouted what the fuck you wantin Hoochie ehm busy ken!! He says, Beyonce’s water just broke….

So in we went, eh dinnae kaen whit eh wiz expectin but it was pure hoachin, eh didnae ken there wiz that many gays in dundee! We found Safias burd and sat doon. Safia introduced her tae iz, Jay wiz her name. Ehm no gonnae lie tae yi, this whole thing wiz mare surreal than when eh wiz up at the campy for that race for life thing and that lorraine kelly aff the tv walked past iz, eh wiz pure star stuck ken, wiz like another world! eh pure ran that race on adrenaline like, 5k in twa hours and thats even wi ma fag breaks ken! 

So i wiz talkin to Jay, askin her what she did an that ken, eh thought she would be a lorry driver or that but she says she worked in an office, eh wiz surprised cos thats wummins work, but anyway we were chattin quite the thing anyway. Im no gonna lie, eh felt a bit oot o place in ma fishnets and leather mini skirt when most these burds were in jeans an that ken, but it made iz feel like eh wiz pure special too cos eh wiz the most glam burd in there and wi a room full o lezzies eh wid be gettin ah the attention soon. 

So Safia and Jay telt iz that this hid been goin on for pure months, well eh wiz shocked, I asked her if she wiz gonna leave her man an that but she says she didnae ken how to! We were tryin tae come up with a good way o her breaking it to him when oot the blue ma next door neighbour and her man come round from the other side o the bar… eh hid ma face hopin no tae be spotted but they recognised my white thigh high boots fae that time ages ago eh got stuck in ma bedroom window after lockin maself oot and wiz hangin oot legs and minge first, id lost ma knickers that night after a fumble in the toilets at the mardi, and they came tae help iz in the house. 

I asked her what she wiz doin in the gay bar, she says her man liked it cos it wiz like lezzy porn for him cos they had tae cancel the adult channel subscriptions after he got caught kickin in the windae of the primark that day trying tae bump her a pair o them new jeggings when they first came oot ken, so she wiz leadin the fashion and ah that, so he hid a fine tae pay off and they were awfy skint, so he watched the lezzies and this made him happy. 

Safia says she wiz thinkin aboot headin over to the gay club but i says i wisnae ready for that kinda caper just yet ken, i says id support her in this wee phase thing but thats aboot it, plus Hoochie wid be wonderin whar eh was. Eh checked ma bra for that key Jimmy gave iz and headed hame, on the way eh had tae plan how tae come up with this plan tae steal this stash and sell it, and how tae get Hoochie tae agree…

I tell ya, ma heart wiz pumpin faster than that night Hoochie had iz in that phone box up the hilltown, Jimmy wiz lookin awfy sexy ken, an wi me in ma best clothes he wiz lookin at iz like he wanted tae rip them aff iz, ehm no gonna lie tae ya, the excitement wiz awfy gid, got that pure buzz like when giro day comes early afore christmas ken. 

He asked iz if I wanted a drink, so I says aye just ma usual, midouri, voddie and coke wi a cider on the side. Well, he had the eh-phone 3 ken, he could afford it. He suggested wi startin oan them shots and eh wiz like, Jimmy ehm no gonna lie tae yi, eh will be oan the deck, he seemed to think this wid be awfy gid for oor night but eh wisnae thinkin so, Hoochie wid nae be happy at iz if eh went back pished ken. 

We started talkin, and eh says to him eh wiz skint, well he says he could mibbe help iz wi that ken. Safia still siznae there, so we sat doon and he telt iz of this plan tae mak some cash, he kent o some dealer who hid just been sent doon for a few year, and hid buried some stash. Jimmy says he kent whar it wiz, and eh could get Hoochie tae sell half o it and Jimmy wid tak the rest. Well, it seemed tae be a fool proof plan ken, so I says aye, lets go for it. He gave iz a key for a box it was all buried in, and says there wiz only twa keys so eh hid tae look efter it. I pit it in ma bra ken for safe keepin, coz I kent naebdy wid be in there that night cos I was aff it for the rest o the night. 

Safia texted to say she was in a taxi, and twa mins awa so eh says tae Jimmy tae do wan just in case she suspected onythin, an eh sat on ma tod. Safia walks in and orders, she wiz lookin awfy stressed oot, mare than that time she got kicked oot o fatties for shaggin the bouncer in the toliets, no the hot one either ken, she was aff her trolley and thought that wee one was awfy tom cruise like, but he wiz just short, she telt him she hid nae knickers oan and had just waxed ahin aff and he thought his luck wiz right in, they just got down tae business and got caught, he was sacked fae the club and got banned for a year which is how we started goin tae deja, turned oot that bouncer ended up workin there a while later and it was awfy awkward when we went, but coz he still had a wee shine for her we got tae skip the queues which was gid cos eh always got hit oan in them queues ken being awfy bonnie and young. 

I asked her what she was so stressed aboot, and she says she wiz thinkin o leavin her man for this lezzy girl, she says the girl wiz sittin in that gay bar across the road, ken the one you see all them gays standin ootside smokin at the weekend, and she says eh hid tae go in wi her tae meet her. Eh wisnae so sure ken, me goin tae the gay bar, what if folk though eh wiz een o them, I mean eh was lookin pure teckle in ma finery ken, eh might get ah them women hittin on iz, she spent half an hour convincin iz tae go so I eventually agreed. Mibbe the 4 sambucas she bought iz helped that decision makin, eh dinnae ken, but we walked oot the door and crossed the road…..

The polis drove past a couple times ken, and I was gettin pure para so I felt like ah had tae call it a night, with only 20 note in ma leopard print purse I wisnae happy, but last time eh spent a night in bell street it wisnae good like. Pure got strip searched and then hid tae wear them paper clothes, then got a puss cloth for a blanket and telt tae sober up. Wisnae gonna be goin in there the night cos Safia hid texted sayin we needed tae talk aboot this whole lezzy thing still, an ehm no gonna lie tae ya, eh was wantin tae ken a bit more like how long this had been goin on for!

I wandered along tae toon up tae the seagate, eh was thinkin tae masel how we wiz gonnae get some mare cash, this was gonna be a bigger challenge than when eh lost that bag o smack Hoochie hid just bought aff some guy one night an we wiz goin intae liquid so eh hid it up ma chuff, gettin that oot wisnae easy I tell ya. 

Safia says she wid be in the bush bar, now ehv no been back in there since that night we wiz on tequila an eh thought eh was britney spears, pure singin oan the karaoke ‘hit me baby one mare time’ lookin pure dead sexy an that ken, an ma ex pure smacked iz, sayin he wiz hittin iz one mare time. He wiz thrown oot and eh kept oan drinkin, an ended up dancin for the guys in there wi ma top aff, when ma pal tagged iz in the photaes on facebook the next day I noticed ma bra wiz awfy mankit in them, and I says ehm no goin back there for a while ken. 

I got tae the pub and walks in, Safia wisnae there yet but texted iz sayin she had stopped tae pish up the side o the wellgate and hid accidentally dropped her tenner oot her bra and it wiz wet so she hid tae go get money aff her man along at his mums, so just tae wait in there for her. I walks in and wiz just textin her back when a voice behind me says, “Corsa-Bella? what are you in here for?” I turned roond and there was Jimmy standin there…

So wi nae money, eh says to Hoochie watch the bairns the night, and ehd go an sort it oot. I dug oot ma fancy stuff, ken like that outfit you keep in the wardrobe for dead special occasions like weddings and that. I put oan ma leather mini skirt, ma fishnet body stockin and my best primark bra, with my dead sexy white thigh high boots an ahin, and off i went doon tae the broughty ferry road.

Last time i selt ma body wiz 6 month ago when ma last man had left iz and bubbles cost mare wi that credit crunch and ahin, the dealers says that the petrol was awfy expensive and so put their prices up ken. Hoochie didnae ken aboot this like, pure didnae want him thinkin eh was riddled an ahin. 

Ehd been standin oot for a good half hour afore I got anyone stoppin, think it was an hour long Eastenders special that night tho and that Kat was gettin her cleavage oot so the men were all lookin forward tae a bit o that, this also would mean that they wid be needin laid and no gettin it at hame cos an hour long Eastenders fair tires the women oot like, I ken I need a good cup o tea and a lie doon after a dead emotional episode. 

This bloke pulls up in an asks how much, I says a tenner for head and twenty for ahin, kent I wiz undercuttin Helen doon the street but had tae get cash in fast, plus ehm fast at gettin them tae shoot their load ken, so can get through a fair few in a night. He wanted the works so I got in the car an says tae drive doon that laney to the bus depot, and he had tae pay iz up front ken. 

I pure felt like that posh burd aff the titanic ken, cos I left ma handprint on the window, he wisnae anythin like that Jack guy though, he wiz aboot 50 and smelt o bad cider, ken like that tesco value stuff, but he didnae tak long tae finish so was an easy twenty note ken. I got ma sexy clothes back on and he wiz awfy kind and dropped iz back aff at the top o the laney, just as the polis drove past…

So the next mornin, eh wiz pure sare as hell ken, ma gammon hangers hadnae been pummeled like that for pure ages an ah that, so eh wiz laid in ma bed watchin tv while Hoochie made the bairns breakfast, quavers and a crunchie ken, dead good for them cos the crunchie gets them ah wakened up in the mornin and the quavers are dead light. 

The doorbell went, ehd got this pure great doorbell fae the car booty a few month ago, played the Jeremy Kyle theme tune for iz an ahin, so I shouted at Mitzi-Evo tae get it. It was the provvy man, now id nae cash on iz and giro day wasnae for twa days so I says to him, hen, im no gonna lie to you iv no got it, well he wisnae impressed, I gave him a wee wink and offered tae pay him in kind but i think cos ma mascara fae last night was half way doon ma puss he wisnae havin it. I telt him to come back later on and id try and borrow money aff someone. 

Hoochie shouts through, the leccy just ran out. How we managed to use up so much money in a few weeks ehm no sure, but this wisnae a good situation cos I needed tae wash the stains oot ma leggings. We had to come up wi a plan tae make some money.

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I says tae Hoochie I wasnae wantin to go back to the pub, and id just stay there but he says he had just bought some o they viagras off some guy at the pub and wanted tae try them oot, so I says to Safia id text her ken, so aff we went.

We got dropped aff at the hoose and Hoochie asks iz why im lookin so scruffy, I says I got messed up helping Safia wi her problem. I kent this sounded confusin but he didnae want to ken any mare so that was fine. I says to him I was awfy tired and could we leave the Viagra for another night but he says he hid just taken one, so I felt that since he had gone to ah that effort and stuff, ken even thinking o me when he was in the pub and buyin some, I thought ach well I best take one for the team ken.

So we were bangin awa up against the freezer, takin iz fae behind ken cos he says ahv got a pure dead sexy arse if he puts the lights aff and you canna see the spots on it, he did comment I was awfy soakin but I just says to him he turnt iz oan that much cos he has curry sauce down his vest and I pure kent it was that good sauce fae the chipper across fae the pub, no the crap one along the road and I actually pure love that stuff ken, smells awfy bonnie.

 He went oan for pure ages, a good 15 minutes, jesus I was shakin that freezer that much that ma peas had spilled oot intae the rest o the freezer, I found this out later on when Hoochie passed oot on the deck and I was lookin for something cold tae put on the lump on his heed. It was a good session like, pure felt as gid as when primark have a sale on ken.

I was just tryin tae process all this when the door opened, and in walks Hoochie. He took one look at iz and I suddenly minded that in all the fuss id no fixed ma hair or make up, or washed the drips aff my thighs, and I hadnae even got round to telling Safia what the hell was goin on.

 He asks iz what the emergency was and could he do anything, I says no its all fixed – while givin Safia that look that says, aye, lie for iz hen. He asks iz what had happened and I says it was a womans trouble ken, cos men hate that kinda stuff, they cannae handle it like. Its like once when I was awfy hungover and started on the rag that day, no realisin ah had nae fanny pads in the hoose and asked Hoochie tae go buy iz some, I swear to god you would have thought I just asked him tae go dip his baws in acid the look I got aff him, naw that’s womans stuff, it scares them too much.

 His mate was waitin outside so he telt iz tae hurry up, but I was needin to find out mare fae Safia on this whole lezzy thing, but Hoochie couldnae ken aboot that either cos he kens Safia’s man ah that so the three o us are just standin there awfy akward, and that poor dyke sat on the sofa musta been wonderin what the hell was goin on.

When I got tae Safias hoose, I telt jimmy tae get awa fast ken, I says id call him soon, Safia answered the door lookin awfy flustered, eh says I had tae come in and it was an emergency so she let iz in. just as I got in there was some burd on the couch fixin her clathes… eh looks at Safia and joked to her that somehin awfy funny musta been goin on and she must be some kinda lezzie, she pure went awfy red in the puss when I says that and telt iz no tae tell her man…. Well eh tell ya, a dyke in meh family?!

When I thought about it tho, the signs had been there, ken wi the fact she always had oan the footie, and her hair hid been awfy short for a while now, and see when we went oot this past few year she widnae chat the men up like me and eh used tae thin kit wiz weird cos she is awfy bonnie ken, she could get at least 5 shags a night in fatties toilets if she wanted, plus when we went tae Deja at the weekends sometimes she wid vanish round to the gay club entrance for her fags, cos she had mates in there she says.

 This was mental tho, like actually mental in my head cos she had a man and that ken, been wi him 8 year and ahin, 3 bairns – though the middle one isnae her mans, she was a product o some mad one at T in the park one year when someone gave her acid and she thought she was shaggin that Peter Andre guy off the telly, cos she had them awful black hair extensions at the time and thought she looked awfy like Jordan ken, to this day we have nae idea who the father is and im no sure Jeremy Kyle wid do a DNA test on ahbdy who was at T in the park in 2007.